I drove up to the boyfriends house this Sunday for Memorial Weekend… and can I just say that I had a fantastic time.

I got there Sunday night and he took me to the Red Neck Festival down the street from his place…

I was hesitant at first because for those of you who don’t know… I am the furthest thing from Red Neck… I’m way down South of the Border Brazilian. So it was rather interesting.

There was a chicken pooping contest… A Daisy Duke Contest…. and an assortment of things…

I enjoyed walking around holding his hand sipping on my lemonade. I ate chili while he had some Jambalaya and we got to throw water balloons at the bed race…

Basically groups around the area make these beds with wheels and they have to race around a track and change the sheets of the bed and get to the finish line before the other team while we chuck water balloons at them. The money for the balloons are donated for the homeless center.

After the festival we went back to his place and started watching a movie, the movie I picked sucked so we watched a movie called Private Parts about the life of Howard Stern…

Then we decided to start the art project we’ve been talking about.. a colaboration piece. We took turns drawing on the canvas and we ended up getting “wasty pants”.. here’s a little side note thing..

There were many deciding factors in why Rob was a good match for me, but one of the cutest things was one night we were outside of the bar talking and he goes “So will you be wasty pants by the time I get there?” and I couldn’t help but laugh. He’s absolutely adorable.

Anyway we got a little drunk and were making out and I got really tired so we went to bed.

Monday morning I woke up to a beautiful cup of coffee and cuddle times with my man and his ginger cat.

We were supposed to have a BBQ at a friends house but the weather was crappy so we decided to venture off elsewhere.

He took me to Country Junction… this “General Store” takes the cake… It is incredible.

This store has everything… Furniture, Decorations, Lights, Food, and Everything.

After roaming around for hours, after petting the llama’s and feeding the ducks… we worked up an appetite and went out for pizza.

When we got back to his place we started painting the colab piece, then I went home.

It was an incredible weekend, I’m really glad I met Rob and I really enjoy spending time with him.

Yes I have High Expectations for you…

I expect that this time it will be different, that you will be different…

that you won’t break my heart.

I think you worry about expectations because you yourself have been let down so many times that you no longer expect things for fear of being hurt and disappointed  again.

How do you think I feel?

Yes I sleep pant less… Yes I sleep with a pillow in between my legs because I don’t like it when my knees touch…
Yes I build a fortress of pillows on the side where someone else should be but is not…
Yes I cover my face with a blanket and cuddle a koala named Mr.Potter… Yes I make sure all the doors are closed because otherwise I won’t hear the killer when he comes in … And yes I’m afraid to stick my leg out over the edge in fear that someone will grab it…
Yes I am a blanket stealer and yes I snore like a drunken baby wildebeest when I’ve had a little too much to drink and yes I like to cuddle…

I enjoy being held, and told I’m pretty. I like it when you look at me … That way…
And I’m sorry I’m a basket case…

So

For those of you who have never had the opportunity to have slept with me that is what you’re missing out on.

I’m sorry that I want to be near you…

I’m sorry that I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else…

I’m sorry that at night I search for you under the covers and an ache in my chest forms when I don’t find you…

I’m sorry I get lost into your blue gray eyes with speckles of lime green and orange around your pupil…

I’m sorry I love the feel of your beard against my face and my fingers touching your face…

I’m sorry for nuzzling your chest and kissing your collar bone and shoulders…

I’m sorry for how good your skin feels against mine…

I’m sorry for the perfect way my lips meet yours and fit together…

I’m sorry for the way our bodies seemed entwined, and I don’t know where you begin and where I end…

I’m sorry for the way I watch you and hold your hand in mine…

I’m sorry that when you leave my side for just a little something pulls me close to you…

I’m sorry for wanting to love you, and all of you, with all that I have…

I’m sorry… but you’re breaking my heart.

how your life can go through so many phases…

I had dinner today with my two gal pals that I haven’t seen in quite some time… 

One ran off to England for the Semester… and the other kept busy at college.

We filled each other in about our lives spoke about our hopes and dreams…

Mentioned our weird dreams and thoughts on our future children and husbands…

We toasted to New Beginnings & beautiful friendships.

It felt pretty great, I didn’t want the night to end.

I’m going through a lot of stuff… a lot of personal stuff… and I’m sorry for not being myself lately… but I promise you that I’m trying to find her. I’m trying to pick up all the good pieces and put myself back together…

But this time it’s different, this time it’s been harder, my painful to pick myself up again.

It’s like I’ve lost her… me…

I just don’t want to feel this way anymore… 

Today I drove for the first time since the accident. My palms were sweaty and I could barely breathe…

I had this overwhelming sense of panic most of the day.

There is just so much going on.

My mom left for Brazil today, and I took JC’s car to work today. So I was already weirded out by driving my fake brothers car, and It was an hour and a half drive because I drove like a grandma.

I’m just so nervous, and anxious all the time. I don’t even know who this person is….

It’s like the shell of who I use to be is harboring this week little anxious person. This fragile useless creature dwelling in my ribs. I can’t breathe.

I’m getting ready to move and I just can’t.

I can’t grow up, I can’t move out. I just can’t. Please, don’t make me do this. Can’t I just stay here? In my fort, playing pretend. Please don’t make me face reality.

I’m going to have to buy my own toilet paper… What if I forget? I’m going to go to the bathroom and find no toilet paper….

I think I should go back to therapy.

I wish….

I wish this aching in my chest would just disappear. 

I’m tired of being on edge, thinking these things.

It’s twisted how wrong I feel.

Like these scenarios could come true.

Today I imagined my appendix bursting while I was on the highway, I crashed into the rail and cried in agony covered in blood from the broken glass. I started to sob, and for what? Some fucked up thought in my head?

But it’s the fact I keep thinking it.

I find myself dying more and more everyday in my mind, my car, poison, heart attack.

My mind is poisoning me. I need God.

Except he hasn’t left me, I’m the one that walks away.

The panic attacks are getting worse.

My body can’t handle this anymore.

I’m breaking. 

there’s nothing that I want more than a hot bath, and some hot angry sex.